These past couple of months have been very hard. I have been struggling with my depression, and low self esteem. It comes out of nowhere and its me hard. All of my issues with low self esteem as well as depression comes from being bullied, but the main bulk of it comes from being emotionally abused. I never dealt with it, never told anyone. I just stuffed it. Now, its all coming like a flood from what ever rock I stuffed it all under.
I tried to go to talk to domestic violence advocate, but that did not work out well. They did not want to talk about the emotional abuse, they wanted to stick me in group sessions. I did not want to do group sessions, I was not ready to share what I had endured with anyone. It looks a lot of courage for me to even go and seek help in the first place. So, I just stuffed it and moved on with life as best as I could.
Now, I have been forced to deal with it. Dealing with it all at one was overwhelming, but I am taking it one thing at a time. I never went and talked to anyone. I just bought a couple of journals, went to my favorite spot with a cup of coffee and just wrote. It feels really good to just write in a journal instead of talking to people. People can be judgmental, negative, and even walk away from you. Its all happened to me before in the past, and even recently. Recently my boyfriend, well now my ex-boyfriend, walked away from our relationship because he didn’t listen. He took my irrational thoughts personally, even when I told him I’m depressed and just need someone to listen. I reached out to him for help numerous times, for over nine (9) months. He refused to be there for me. He refused to help. That showed me I can’t trust anyone.
No matter how many times I reached out and asked for help, no one was there. After a while, I stopped asking for help, I kept it all inside and it was getting worse. It was starting to scare me; my thoughts were starting to scare me. I was headed down a path that was not good, and I had to stop. I had to get back on the right path. Depression can really get a tight grip on me and not let go for weeks, or even months at a time. When that happens, I can’t see the light. All I can see is the darkness, I feel weak and I can’t even find a way out. I have no one to turn to, no one to listen, no one who supports and helps, I’m all alone. So, I had to find an alternative way
My depression comes from my past traumatic experiences. Domestic violence, being bullied, and rape. Rape, is how I lost my virginity when I was almost 18 years old. I still have nightmares about it, not as frequent as before, but they are still there. I can still hear the voices of being bullied when I’m as in elementary school through high school. I can still hear their negative comments about me, how they belittled me, how they made me feel like I was nothing. I would always tell everyone that I am fine. Do you know what fine stands for? Feeling I‘m Nothing to Everyone.
In the mind of a depressed person, that phrase is all they can hear. I know its all I can hear when I’m depressed. Combine that phrase with all my past trauma and one can easily see how difficult it can be to find the light. Just that one phrase can make it difficult to find the way out of the darkness.
Depression is a lair, and this who suffer from depression, do not know that while they are in the darkness. They believe it, they believe its real, they believe its the truth. Which is what makes it so difficult to overcome. It is the reason why it grips us so tightly. It is the reason why we feel the way we feel the way we feel. Why our thoughts are irrational. Depression is not a personal weakness, it is an illness. One that requires medical help. There are important symptoms of depression, and if you recognize any of these symptoms in a friend and/or loved one, please be there for them, support them, help them, listen, and love them.
10 Important Symptoms of Depression:
Depressive Mood: Sadness, Loneliness, and/or Emptiness AnxietyLoss of Interest or Pleasure in Activities Once Enjoyed Fatigue or Loss of Energy Feelings of Worthlessness or Excessive Guilt Disturbances in Sleep (Insomnia and Hypersomnia) Difficultly Thinking Clearly, Concentrating, Remembering, and Making Decisions Changes in Appetite and Body Weight Restlessness or Irritability Thoughts of Suicide and/or Death
If you have a friend, loved one, girlfriend, boyfriend who is depressed it is best to just listen No matter how obscured their thoughts are, even if they are saying things that are not true, just listen. Listen without judgement, do not reply, do not try to give advice, just listen. Depression is a very serious mental illness. People have trouble finding the way out of darkness, by listening, you are their light, you are their way out of the darkness.