My Fight Against Self Hate

Let me just clarify that a person who hates them-self is a very sad and real thing. It is tragic to hear, but deep down, many people hate themselves. For some people, like myself, it is a personal jail and that they are locked inside of. My personal jail is full of self-loathing that I am desperately wanting to get out of, but I do not believe that I can.

There are people out there who think that I am just crying out because I just want attention. That is far from the truth. They feelings are very real, and I feel miserable because of how I feel about myself. Even though it sounds exaggerated or on the overly dramatic, the feelings are very real that are not exaggerated and are not overly dramatic.

This has been an on-going battle since high school. My guess is that all the bullying I endured in elementary school, even a little bullying in junior high, combined with the bullying in high school. Then add in all the emotional abuse I endured, I think it all finally took its toll on me. I started to slip into a black hole of self hate. My tormentors were always pointing out the my flaws on my physical apperance, my flaws on my personality. They were always pointing out how stupid I am, and what career they think I should be in. I felt so ugly, and my self-esteem became nonexistent. At times, I can still hear their voices, especially when I’m severely depressed.

I started to blame myself when bad things happened to me, when bad things were said about it. It all hurt, it hurt real bad. It took me months, even years to recover from some things. I’m still working on recovering from the rest. Its easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and allowing it to suck the life out me. It can leave me depleted of any kind of self-worth and self-love. I am learning that when bad things happen, the worst thing that I can do is to spiral down into self-pity, and blame myself.

I am working on finding the strength to stand up and say that it is not my fault. I did nothing wrong. It is not me, its them. Self-hate is emotional exhausting especially from the blame game. That is the first stop for me, I blame myself for everything bad that happened to me. I have to remember that everyone goes through pain, everyone goes through challenging and hard times. It will happen, and all I need to do is to give myself a break, as well as get some rest.

I am working on not letting people’s words and actions do so much harm to my heart, my soul, and my self-esteem. I shouldn’t be in a downward spiral every single time someone says negative things about me. I need to start looking at that particular person and forgiving them. Why forgive them? Well, its not my fault they feel so negatively about themselves. Its not my fault they are insecure. Its not my fault they are putting someone down to pump themselves up. I shouldn’t let anyone, dim my bright light, I shouldn’t let anyone dim my shinning and rising star. I shouldn’t let anyone try to put a dark cloud over me. After all, its not my fault that they are jealous.

I’m also working on forgiving myself for all my mistakes. Which is difficult to do. When I was in an abusive relationship(s), whenever I made a mistake, the first thing that happened was the silent treatment from the other person. They never forgave me, just the silent treatment to re-enforce that it was my fault, and I did something wrong. Even though I feel like I did nothing wrong and that it was an honest mistake, I still did something wrong. No one had forgiven me at any point in my life when I made a mistake, in fact, they were adamant on throwing it back in my face on a continuous basis, using it to make me feel guilty and horrible about myself. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but I can’t help but wonder. If I can easily forgive others, why can’t anyone forgive me when I make mistake? Why am I expected to be perfect?

So, what do I do? Try to be perfect. Another thing I am working on. I’m working on not being perfect, accepting my flaws, accepting myself, and even yes, forgiving myself. It doesn’t do well to beat myself up at it. Anyone who knows me knows that I can beat myself up for years.

One thing I have mastered, ok not fully mastered, is that when it comes to what other people think of me, I just don’t care. I use to live my life with thoughts about what everybody was thinking about me. What everybody thought about me as a person. It made me feel like people were constantly rejecting me. This was the first thing I stopped doing. I was literally going insane, slipping into depression by my sophomore year in high school.

I was always turning the rejection onto myself, like it was my fault. I caused this pain on myself, and I let what other people though of me dictate how I thought of myself. I learned it is something I cannot control, and it was time to let it all go. That was the easy part. I am no longer afraid of rejection. I am no longer afraid of what people thing about me. I don’t care what they think about me. That, I did master. That, no longer dictates my life.

The one thing that gets to me every single time, is the negative self talk. I think negatively about myself, to myself daily. When I look at myself in the mirror all I can see is my flaws. Flaws that were pointed out to me by other ever since I was eight (8) years old. I feel very ugly. I can’t find one thing about myself, physically that I love. When I criticize myself, I think of ways to make those flaws go away. Then I think once they are gone, then people will like me more.

The thing is, is that its not that total strangers will like me more. Its those people, who constantly pointed out the flaws, will like me more. I can still hear their voices, their words, and for some reason, I am still working on impressing them. Impressing people, I haven’t seen in almost twenty (20) years. People, I don’t care about. People, who still hate me. People who haven’t grown up past high school.

The real question now is why? Why am I putting myself through this cycle of self-hatred? How does one break this vicious cycle? Can it be broken?

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