When I look back on it all now I cannot believe the amount of emotional abuse I had endured in my lifetime. In order for you to understand just how much I went through, how bad it was, and what it did to me as well as my life, I have to start from the beginning.
Being Bullied in Elementary School
When I think about it this is where it all started for me. I had a problem with pronouncing letter of the alphabet which of course led to not being able to pronounce words properly. When I started kindergarten I started speech therapy. The kids in my class would constantly make fun of me for that. They would mimic me constantly when I talked and would laugh. All this happened openly in class. Every single year it would happen. Granted, I put on a brave face and front. I acted like they didn’t exist, I acted like it didn’t bother me at all. The truth was it bothered me.
The worst bullying I received was when I was in the sixth grade. It was my last year of elementary school. I had hardly any friends because it was the first year that the school put us on year round. So, the few friends I did have where on different tracks than I was. That meant they weren’t there. So, while I was in class I had no friends. The kids in my class would openly make fun of me in class. I sat as close as I could to the back of the class. One day we were watching “Witches” with Angelica Houston. I had a girl yell for me to put my head down, she couldn’t see because my hair was a big as Peggy Bundy’s. I had curly hair but it wasn’t big. Then another boy started in as well about how fat I was (he was fat while I was skinny), and how I will end up being just like Peggy Bundy. He also said that I wouldn’t amount to anything in my life.
If I was called in to give an opinion in class about what we were reading the entire class would start in. They would say how stupid my opinion was, I am stupid, why do I even bother coming to class, I have no friends. They always made comments on how ugly I was, how I looked like a tomboy, I’ll never fit in, the school would be better off without me. At recess I would sit under a tree and read a book. The kids would come and throw rocks at me. At lunch, they threw half-eaten food at me, and half empty milk cartons at me.
The teacher did not intervene, the teacher never stopped it. The teacher allowed it to happen. The kids were allowed to bully me openly in class, while class was going on. The teacher did nothing. The more I think about it now, the more I wonder how in the hell the teacher could allow that to happen? I have healed from all from all of this but you know what, it disgusts me. That teacher standing by and doing nothing to stop it disgusts me. That teacher allowing it to happen openly in class all the time, disgusts me. I lost all respect for that teacher.
Middle School…is it a Fresh Start?
I took a class during the summer so that I could take another elective. That is how I started the seventh grade. I met a girl, who was my best friend through middle school. I met so many people who became my friends. They are wonderful people. Middle school was great. I was only made fun of by one person. One person. The only thing he said to me was that I’m a wannabe. Ok, great. See ya. Middle school were the best years of my school life. I thought high school was going to be more fun. I was wrong.
High School Hell….
High school was one of the worst periods of my life. My freshman year I made it on the color guard team so I had barely any time for friends. I only did the marching session, it was a decision that my parents made because they couldn’t afford for me to do it year after year constantly. During the winter of my freshman year I met some people who went to the same school I did and it was a decision I now come to regret in my life.
What they said to me, tore me down as a person. I was constantly told how stupid I was, how I will never be intelligent, these two things stick out the most. They even gave me a nickname which was their way of calling me stupid because the nickname is a name you call someone who is an idiot. Out of all the things they said, these two stand out the most. I know there was more I honestly can’t remember. I remember I was broke down every single day by them. I never felt so horrible about myself. I literally hated myself, I hated who I was, and I wished that I was never born.
During my time in high school I had rumors spread about me which prompted a group of at least fifteen girls to approach me, surround me, threaten to beat me up, and even call me a “loser lop”. I couldn’t take that seriously because lop means loser, however, being approached the way that I was on top of being called a loser, it did hurt a lot. It just made me feel worse about myself and I just dove into a deeper depression. Every time I stood up for myself, they wouldn’t hang out with me nor talk to me or a couple days.
My sophomore year. Three of my friends ran away from home. There were missing person’s flyers with their names and pictures all over the city, all over our school, it was everywhere. Finally they were found. I went to call one of them to see if she was ok and if she needed anything. A short time later, a girl called me, a girl I didn’t even know. A girl who said if I called my friend again that she would come and kill me. I decided it to leave it alone, I decided not to be friends with her anymore and I left it at that.
The death threats continued for months. I was constantly being paged by numbers I didn’t know which I never called back. Then they started putting my friends code at the end which prompted me to call back. I was wrong. They threatened me by saying they were going to come to my house and shoot me. They even said they would stab me in the throat. Then it became that today was the day that I would die. I changed my pager number, and that’s when I dropped out of high school. I never finished my first semester as a sophomore.
A lot of people in my group of ‘friends’ hated me and I couldn’t figure out why. I noticed that each person had their own personal reason for hating me; reasons that made no sense, reasons based on things that were made up, reasons that I couldn’t even wrap my mind around. It really hurt, a lot. People had so much hatred in their hearts and it was always about how much they hated me.
I just wanted it all to stop. I even attempted to attend high school that was geared for student’s to learn at their own pace. The bullying didn’t stop because it was just an extension of the group that was constantly calling me stupid. By this time I had dropped out of high school completely. No one understood what I was going through, how much I hated myself, how much I hated who I am. I felt alone. This entire time, I never did drugs of any kind and I wasn’t out there having sex, looking for attention.
When I was seventeen years old the worst thing happened to me. My boyfriend at that time was having a party and I stayed the night at his house one night. The next morning I remember feeling the something wasn’t right. I felt him moving around inside of me. I kept my eyes closed and I didn’t move. I was scared. I prayed for it to be over. When he was done he got up and went directly into the bathroom. I laid there still pretending to be asleep. I remember thinking “I was raped”. I remember thinking that I need to call the police. That thought didn’t last long because I immediately thought “No one is going to believe me”. Once I heard the shower running, and I heard the shower doors close; I quickly got dressed, gathered up my things and left as quickly as possible. I never talked to him again.
This sent me into the deepest depression, and I hardly spoke to anyone. I hid myself away from everyone. I was scared to be outside. I was scared to be around people. Whenever I went out in public I felt like everyone could see that I had been raped. I felt their eyes staring at me like they could see into my soul. It made me want to go home and cry.
Ever since I have never felt safe to go to sleep even in my own bed. I sleep with a weighted blanket just to help me calm down because I have such anxiety and fear about being in my own bed and sleeping.
I felt that I am damaged. I thought “Who is going to want me now”?
Finishing High School…
I had managed to get my first job, I was working at Disneyland. The long hours I was working at Disneyland. The late nights I worked at Disneyland was a blessing in disguise because it allowed me to leave the group of ‘friends’. I met new friends working at Disneyland who were positive. I even enrolled myself into Buena Park High School so that I can finish my high school diploma and work at Disneyland. I was attending Fullerton College while attending high school. I finished high school, I graduated valedictorian. While working at Disneyland I met a guy there whom I began dating. What I didn’t know was that a storm was coming.
Story Continues… “There’s a Storm Coming”